Baby
by JustClem
Summary: Rachel Amber usually deals with one kind of baby; her badass punk girlfriend Chloe, who she loves with all her heart. Today, however, she has to deal with another kind of baby. A more literal one...


"No."

"_Baby."_

"N. O."

The decision was final. It had to be final. Chloe couldn't and wouldn't accept otherwise. She was persistent that way.

It was almost a shame the girl on the other line was as persistent as her.

"_But it's important to me."_ A sniffle. "_You know it's important to me."_

Chloe's hand tightened on the steering wheel.

Rachel was being dramatic.

Once a theater kid, always a theater kid.

_Fine,_ she thought as she began to park her junk of a truck, _two can play that game._

"Thou know how much thy hate, nay, despise it, Rach." If her hands weren't holding something, she would've made wild hand gestures with them. It wouldn't have mattered whether Rachel could see them. "What thou are asking… not even I- I mean _thy_, the maiden who is in love with thou, shall do it."

Boom!

Take that, Amber!

Of course, Chloe doubted she'd spoken perfect Shakespearean, but, eh, whatevs.

"_They're just pineapples, baby."_

"On pizzas, Rachel!" she hissed, slamming the car door open, walking to the front yard of her house. "Pizzas!"

There was a loud, long sound somewhere between a groan and a sigh. "_I won't put the pineapples on your slice, Chlo."_

She stopped on her front porch, patting her jacket to find the spare key Mom had given her.

"The taste... lingers."

"_It so doesn't."_

Chloe, flustered, jammed the key into the door, twisted it. There was a satisfying clicking sound. She barged in.

"Fine. It's just that it makes me wanna throw up seeing someone eat pizzas with fucking pineapples, especially you."

"_Oh my fuck, why are you so- fine, then. I'm gonna bring a blindfold, and I'm gonna tie them over your pretty blue eyes and- no, we're not gonna do anything kinky… not 'til we eat the pizza, at least. That way you won't have to see me eat those oh so disgusting pineapples."_

Chloe couldn't answer. She couldn't even comprehend what Rachel was saying. She was too busy processing what she was seeing.

She must be high.

Even if she didn't remember doing it, she must've taken, like, dozens of joints.

It was the only explanation.

"_Chloe?"_

"R-rachel…"

Her voice showed genuine fear. Rachel, of course, picked up on it. There was a shifting sound from the other line, and when Rachel spoke again, her tone was devoid of mischief. "_Chloe, talk to me."_

She wanted to, but the thing is…

It was so damn fucking insane and she still wasn't sure what she was seeing was even real.

"_Damn it woman, don't make me chase after you from fucking Pizza Hut!"_

"There's a baby in my house."

A beat passed.

And another.

And the so-called baby twitched once, then resumed its sleeping. It was wearing a damn blue too-too, sitting in one of those baby chairs in the dinner table, and it looked alive.

"_What?"_

Chloe swallowed. "There's a baby in my house." Because there was no other way to explain it, even if the explanation itself wasn't even an explanation.

"_Babe, are you high?"_

Chloe looked at her hand. It didn't shrink or expand. She looked at her house. The color was right as it should be. The placing of the furniture was spot-on. Nothing was hovering up in the air. There were no goblins or unicorns invading the living room.

Usually, one of those things would happen when she was high.

And there was nothing weird. Nothing apart from, well, that infant human.

"I don't think so."

"_Then why is there a fucking baby in your house?"_

Good question.

"Ummm…"

"_Are you even sure it's a real baby? What if it's like, a doll?"_

"Why the fuck would anyone living in _this_ house buy a fake baby?"

"_Just- just try it, alright?"_

Chloe stepped closer to the sleeping baby. With a hesitant finger, she poked its cheek. The skin was squishy. She poked deeper. Yup. Nothing but soft baby flesh and fat and whatever shit was in a baby's cheek.

"It's the real deal."

"_Are you sure?"_

Chloe threw her hand up. "Damn, Rach! What do you want me to do? Dissect this little gremlin?"

"_Maybe?!"_

Well damn.

The little human yawned. While it was quite an adorable yawn, it freaked Chloe out because now the baby's waking up.

"Rachel, I don't know how to baby. Come here ASAP."

"_Okay, I'll bring the pineapple pizza."_

"If you bring that abomination into my house, we're breaking up."

Rachel must've broken the speed limit, because she got here in, like, four minutes(ish.)

Rachel did bring the horrific abomination into the Price household. She was a daredevil, after all. She more than made up for it by giving Chloe a hella intense kiss.

And now they were in the kitchen, standing in front of the baby. It had big eyes and a tiny nose and mouth and had little puffs of curly hair. Fuck.

It had done nothing but smile at nothing and make baby noises. So, the baby was polite. Huh. Good to know.

Every time the scarily-small human did anything, Rachel exploded into a flurry of "aww, Chloe, look at that baby! Look at how cute it is!" like it was some kind of angel or something.

Chloe had to grab her by the shoulders, tell her to "fucking calm down this is no time to implode we've got a baby here and I don't want it to die" in order for Rachel to calm down.

Yeesh. What was _up_ with women and babies?

Chloe was tapping her foot, crossing her arms, and trying not to look hella worried. Rachel was scratching her chin, biting her lip, and thinking. At least Chloe hoped she was thinking.

A finger snap. "I got it."

Chloe uncrossed her arms.

Rachel gave her a side-eyed look. "Have you checked Joyce's messages yet?"

Chloe's nose wrinkled. "Why the hell would I check Joyce's messages?" Rachel's stare intensified, a small, coy smile slow to form. It hit Chloe, three seconds later, and she did as told.

**Joyce [5:15]:** Chloe, remember when I said we're going to babysit David's niece next week?

Oh, yeah. David had a sister who she only met, like, four times her entire life. She'd given birth to a cute little girl seven or eight months ago.

Chloe wondered if this had something to do with the baby.

**Joyce [5:15]:** Change of plans. The baby's here.

Ah. So this _was_ the baby. Figures.

**Joyce [5:20]:** Chloe, why don't you come downstairs? This baby is sinfully adorable.

**Joyce [7:12]:** Chloe, I'm going out with David and I know you're upstairs. Take care of the baby, would you?

That last message was half an hour ago.

"Umm… isn't leaving a baby unsupervised, like, dangerous?"

Rachel's mouth twitched upward as she shrugged. "Maybe?" Rachel blinked before crossing her arms. Her eyes narrowed in what would've been an interrogative manner if not for the playful smirk. "Where were you?"

Chloe's smile was crooked. "Isn't it obvious?" She fished out her jacket pocket, revealing a stash of weed two seconds later.

Rachel's smirk turned into a pout.

Chloe rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, these are for you too."

Rachel's smirk returned. Chloe ruffled her golden hair, earning a snort, a giggle, and a shove. "Stop it."

She didn't. In fact, she intensified her ruffle attack. Rachel seemed unable to decide if she wanted to push Chloe away or pull her in. She ended up gripping the taller girl's shoulder, keeping her in place.

The ruffle attack turned into a caress attack. Those two hands travelled down to Chloe's waist. Their grip were equal parts vigorous and gentle.

Their eyes said something unspoken. Chloe leaned down, and Rachel leaned forward. Rachel's breath was warm, soft, and Chloe couldn't wait to take it away. She closed her eyes-

"Waaah!"

Rachel was quick to react. "Shit!" She untangled herself from Chloe's arms and ran towards the fussy little shit. She left Chloe gaping, still feverish with something other than sickness, and disappointed.

… Did that baby just cockblock her?

The fuck?

Chloe took off her beanie, wiped the sweat off her face, then put it back on again. She straightened out the wrinkles in her jacket before stomping to the vicinity. She found Rachel holding the baby in that cradling way and rocking back and forth, shushing it.

Huh.

Oddly, Rachel looked in her element.

"What's the vershit, Doc?"

"This baby needs attention," said Rachel, like it made sense. Chloe didn't know how babies work, so she was inclined to believe it.

Chloe watched as the baby become less fussy, melting into Rachel's embrace.

Damn, even babies were into Rachel.

Chloe still missed the contact they shared. She hugged Rachel from behind, careful not to touch the baby, who was looking at Chloe all doe-eyed. She murmured into her girl's ear, the one without the blue feather, "I didn't know you were an expert on babies."

Rachel surprised her by kissing her at the tip of her nose. "Didn't you see my diploma? It's in my room. Super big, served on a diamond platter. You'd have to be blind to miss it."

Chloe snuggled deeper into the fabric of Rachel's flannel. She inhaled without a care in the world, smiling at Rachel's giggle. "I guess I should've paid more attention."

"Yeah, you really should…"

Rachel's breathing became heavier. Her voice had this small rasp to it.

Chloe pressed her lips on Rachel's neck, keeping the kiss gentle and soft. Her hands around Rachel hardened, pressing Rachel's body against her. Rachel's hair met Chloe's front.

She pressed one kiss. Then another. Then another. Trailing around, increasing the intensity and length with each kiss. She was building the moment like a pro...

And then the baby kicked her, right in the nose, and Chloe stumbled back with a "fuck!"

Rachel laughed a surprised "ohoho~" laugh.

The baby made a confused sound, but laughed as well, like it knew what it was doing.

Chloe wondered if her nose was bleeding because, _damn,_ it kicked hard for a baby.

"Of course David's niece fucking hates my guts too."

"Oi. She's your cousin." Rachel had this amused smile on her face, the kind she had whenever she was fond of something. And now, she was directing this smile onto Chloe, and Chloe blushed and shuffled, awkward.

"Coushit, more like," she mumbled, pocketing her hands in her jacket because she didn't know what do with them. Her cheeks heated up harder when Rachel laughed again. She must've seen right through her crappily-made aloof mask.

Rachel put down the baby back at the baby chair, giving it a pinch on the cheek. It caused the baby to snort and clapped its hands as though it had won the lottery.

_Well, to be fair, any touch from Rachel Amber equals winning lotteries,_ the honest part of Chloe thought.

Rachel strode towards her, with an extra flare to those hip movements. She grabbed Chloe by the collar and yanked her into a kiss. Her knees buckled, but after the shock passed, Chloe responded with the same vigor.

Fucking finally.

When they pulled away, they were both flushed, disheveled, and grinning like two idiots in love. (Which, well, you know, they _were_, but still.)

…

Rachel played lots of games with the games. Half of them weren't even real games, but who cares?

She'd moved the baby to the living room and put it on the floor so she would be able to roam around the house. Once she was sure the baby was going to be alright, she made herself comfortable.

The whole time, Chloe had this awkward half smile on her face. It was the kind of smile she had when she was uncomfortable about something but didn't want Rachel to know.

At first, Rachel thought it would disappear. So, it grew.

"Alright. What's up?"

Chloe, sitting cross-legged on the sofa, looked down on her.

"The ceiling, Rach. The ceiling is what's up." Rachel gave her a look that wiped Chloe's shit-eating grin. "What? I'm fantastic."

"Fantastically a wreck." Rachel placed her arms on the baby's side in a semi-hug. "Seriously, you've been freaking out ever since the baby… Well… ever since you saw the baby."

Chloe, with pink cheeks, avoided her gaze. She leaned down into the sofa and started playing with her phone. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Rachel sighed.

"Baby, I won't make fun of you or anything. Please tell me."

The baby sneezed. Looking down, Rachel found that the baby had a bit of a drool and snot covering her cute face. She grabbed a couple of tissues and changed the drool and snot covered baby into a regular, happy baby.

Rachel grinned in triumph. Man, she was good at these baby stuff.

Chloe was looking at her weird.

"What?" Irritation was beginning to bled into Rachel's voice.

"Promise you won't laugh?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Babe. I won't. I swear in the name of… umm…" She looked down, found the baby, and held it to Chloe. "I swear in the name of this adorable baby."

That got Chloe to laugh a cute laugh. Chloe waited until she put down the baby before saying, "I'm… kind of, maybe… hella scared of kids."

"...What?"

Chloe winced, as though she'd been expecting that answer. "Yeah, I know, pretty fucking stupid-"

"No, no, it's not. Just tell me why?"

Chloe looked at her, her head tilting to the side. Rachel knew it meant she was weighing the options. Then, it looked like Chloe found something she'd been looking for. She let out a soft sigh, falling to the sofa, and she covered her eyes with a tattooed arm.

"I don't really know. I guess- just-" She threw both hands up, revealing a conflicted face. "They're so small, you know! How are they able to survive for this long!? You touch them too hard and _boom!_ They're dead!"

The baby made a whining noise. Chloe made a louder whining noise. Rachel was torn on which of her baby to comfort.

She put one hand on the baby's stomach, tracing little patterns on it, making shushing noises. The other hand, she put on Chloe's knee, squeezing, her touch gentle.

"Baby, look at me." When Chloe refused to obey, she repeated her words in a firmer manner. Chloe looked like she was about to bolt. Rachel rushed to say, "It's perfectly reasonable to be afraid of killing babies."

Chloe blinked, her fear diminishing from her face in order for the unimpressed look to take place. "Really?"

"Yup!" Maybe. Probably. Most definitely… not. But hey, at least Chloe was smiling now, even if she still kind of looked scared.

The baby let out a cough, gaining the couple's attention. Then, it started crying. Hard.

"Shit."

Chloe's freak-out intensified. "Rachel…"

"Don't worry, I got this." Rachel pulled the baby into her arms, rocking her. It didn't work. Chloe made a distressed noise. "Still got this, babe." She stood up, shifting her weight back and forth. The baby calmed down, but it was still sad.

"Maybe it needs snacks?"

Rachel would've reprimanded Chloe for calling this cute baby an 'it' if her suggestion wasn't, for once, good.

She looked at the baby, and using her practised, perfect, baby-talk voice, asked, "Is that it? Do you want some munch-munch? Does our wittle baby want some crunch munch snack?"

"Rach, you are horrible at baby talk."

The baby gave another whine, proving Chloe right.

She flipped her hair, ignoring her burning cheeks. "Like you can do better," she said, her confidence faux.

Rachel's eyes drifted to the pizza box on the table. It was there, waiting for someone to eat them.

Chloe's eyes followed her gaze.

"No."

She sighed. "Baby."

"N. O."

"I feel like we've already had this conversation before."

Chloe, persistent, crossed her arms. "We did."

Rachel rolled her eyes, walking towards the table. She made sure each step was gentle as to not jostle the little baby. "Really now?"

"Yeah. Like, an hour ago."

"Lemme guess." Rachel opened the box. The aroma of pizza filled the air surrounding her, causing her to smile. The baby even made a little cooing noise. Nobody was immune to pizza, it seemed. Not even cute brainless adorable freaks of nature. "It was about pineapple pizzas too?"

"Actually, it was."

That made her pause for a moment. "Huh." They _had_ been talking about pizzas, now that she thought of it.

She put the baby back in her chair and grabbed a slice, ready to feed it to the baby. She stopped midway, noticing a predicament.

"Told you pineapple pizza is a bad idea."

"I think all pizzas are a bad idea." Rachel leaned toward the baby's mouth, squinting when she opened it, failing to find any teeth. "She can't even chew. What'll she eat now?"

Distress began to appear in the form of knots upsetting her stomach.

Soon, distress could be a word to describe the baby. It was as though the baby herself was able to read her mind and knew of her dilemma, knew that she wasn't old enough to be eating pizzas. Her mouth was quivering and sad sounds came out of her mouth and her eyes were shining with tears.

"I think Mom put, umm, some canned soup over at the, err, cabinet."

Canned soup might not be such a good idea, but it was leagues better than pizza. "Sure thing."

"Do you want to… make it?"

Rachel pretended to be invested in the baby and the pizza, so much so that she couldn't listen to Chloe.

Rachel knew Chloe knew she'd heard her.

And Rachel knew Chloe knew Rachel wasn't up for making that soup, because Rachel heard a sigh of someone who'd lost a battle and footsteps shuffling to the kitchen and soon, the sound of someone opening a can.

Atta girl.

…

Chloe, with a canned, steaming soup in one hand and a small plastic spoon on it, walked up into a criminally-cute scene.

"Say Rachel."

"Wee-wee."

"Fine. Just say Rach."

"Wech."

"Rach."

"Weeck."

Rachel made a choking noise, giving the baby a once-over. "Did you just say weed?" She looked like she didn't know whether she was horrified or impressed.

Chloe was, without a doubt, the latter, which was why that, after slamming the can on the table, startling Rachel and making the baby smile - the little freak - she gave the baby an approving nod. "Growing up to be a stoner like me, aren't ya?"

"Nah. She's more of a drama kid, like me."

Rachel put a hand on her cheek, plucking her lips as though she was posing for a photoshoot.

The baby looked at her, bewildered, then looked back at Chloe.

Same, kid. Same.

"I think she'll be both." Chloe looked at the baby. "What do you say about that?"

The baby blew a raspberry.

Rachel laughed. Chloe was reminded yet again that this was a baby who didn't understand shit.

"You should feed her."

Chloe looked at Rachel. Rachel had that look in her face where nothing could change her mind. Rachel was persistent that way.

Chloe knew she couldn't convince her otherwise, but she had to ask, "Why?"

Rachel gave her a cruelly beautiful smile. Her eyelashes flattered, and one of her eyebrows was arched up. "To bond and shit."

Chloe could only sigh.

_I am so whipped._

She took a seat in front of the baby, stirring the canned soup.

Rachel took a bite of her pizza, watching with unhidden interest.

Chloe bit her lip, looked at Rachel to find some words of comfort or encouragement. She received nothing more than a soft smile. It was both encouraging and disheartening.

She took a spoon full of soupy stuff.

"Err, open your mouth."

The baby stared at her, looking almost as intense as Chloe was.

Chloe frowned. "Kid, c'mon. You need to fill your tiny little mouth."

The baby frowned, mimicking her. She then bursted into laughter, clapping as though she was at the Oscars or something.

Chloe looked at Rachel, at loss for words.

Rachel give her this part impish part sly grin. "You can be kind of cute sometimes." She leaned forward and booped Chloe in the nose, causing her to go cross-eyed. Rachel's grin turned into a full-blown dazzling smile. "See? Cute."

"I'm not cute."

"Sure you're not." Rachel sounded like she didn't mean it.

Chloe growled, wanting to reprimand her girlfriend. She couldn't. She had a task to fulfill.

"C'mon, don't you want the rocket to blast and explode into pieces in your mouth?" Wasn't this how baby talk works?

"Baby, that's not how the saying goes…"

Chloe didn't listen nor care. She needed some way for the baby to open its mouth so she could shove some damn food into it.

Then, an idea struck her.

Chloe stood up, leaned forward, face-to-face with the baby.

Rachel's chewing slowened and became less loud.

With her free hand, Chloe tapped the baby's chin and began to scratch it, slow, at first.

After ten whole seconds, the baby erupted into a fit of giggles which, okay, did sound hella fucking adorbs.

"What're you…?"

When the baby was no longer choking on its own saliva, Chloe put the spoon in its mouth.

Gotcha.

The baby closed its mouth and, much to her chagrin, swallowed.

"Booyah! Take that, baby! Score one for Price!"

She wiggled her eyebrows, looking at Rachel, who looked as amused as she was impressed.

It got easier feeding the gremlin after that.

Sometimes, Chloe had to make up little games so the baby would open its mouth. Sometimes, when it became too much, Chloe had to wipe the soup dribbling down its face.

Man, babies were fucking helpless. And totally not at all cute in any way. Nope. That would be ridiculous.

"Okay, last one, kiddo."

The baby looked at her, suspicious. Chloe rolled her eyes.

"Dude, I'm being serious this time."

Yeah, so maybe she had to lie to the baby about it being the last spoon like, six times. But to be fair, she didn't think the baby would notice. It was a freakin' baby, for God's sake! Babies couldn't even count! ... Right?

With no other choice, Chloe raised her hand and extended her pinky finger to the baby.

"Pinky promise."

The baby blinked. Chloe looked at it, expectant, then drifted her gaze down to her finger.

The baby wrapped its tiny hand around Chloe's pinky finger and, wow, babies had tiny hands. Chloe found herself admiring how nice those chubby fingers felt. They wrapped themselves around her finger in such a neat way. And she sat there and kept staring…

Until she heard the undeniable clicking sound of a phone camera.

"_Rachel!"_

…

Chloe was more caring and protective than she'd like to admit. Rachel had known this. It was partly why she'd fallen in love with her. But it was a different matter seeing those two qualities take control of Chloe's entire being.

It was fascinating watching her girlfriend worry over such trivial things.

All because of a tiny human.

"No, kid, that pencil is sharp, don't touch it. Rachel, keep that pencil away from the stupid baby!"

"Relax, babe."

"Jesus fuck, where did she even get that scissor?!"

"It's a toy scissor."

"Whatever. Same thing." It wasn't! Where did Chloe even get such an idea?!

"Sure thing, Chlo."

"The hell- what even is that?!"

"I, umm, think that's a screwdriver-"

"I don't care what it is! Just don't let the baby near it! Christ, we need to babyproof this house or else the kid'll die from scissors or something."

"Again, fucking _toy_ scissor."

Real big emphasis on the toy part, you know.

"Shut up, Rach."

It had gotten so bad to the point where Rachel had to coax her to smoke weed.

"C'mon, just one puff," she insisted, hugging her girlfriend, sitting on the sofa, from behind. Chloe made this uncertain noise. Rachel bumped her chin to her forehead, nuzzling into the roots of Chloe's hair. She half-noticed that it began to change into its original strawberry-blonde color. "It won't hurt, right?"

"I guess not…"

Sensing her Chloe's reluctance, Rachel decided to take matters into her own hand. She grabbed Chloe's jacket from the floor where she threw it, grabbing the weed stash in it.

Chloe was looking at her weird.

The baby, sitting next to her, looked back and forth between Chloe and Rachel. She then crossed her arms and pouted, mimicking Chloe.

Holy shit! The baby's already attached to Chloe! Holy fucking shit!

Rachel bit her tongue to avoid letting out the highest squeal of delight. Fuck, this was too good.

After bringing in the pipe, she strode to Chloe, whose face got more and more questioning with each step.

She then took a seat on Chloe's lap, using one arm to wrap it around Chloe's neck. It semi-balanced herself while the other clutched on the pipe.

In an instant, Chloe's hands straddled her hips. Rachel knew it was reflex, but she couldn't help but smile anyway.

"Rach?"

Rachel brought the pipe to her lips, inhaled, threw it away, letting it bounce on the sofa. She didn't exhale quite yet. With her now free hand, she cupped Chloe's cheek and pulled, closing their distance.

_That_ was when she exhaled.

The soft moan that came out of Chloe's throat pulled her lips up. As they deepened the kiss, Rachel's hand wandered to the sofa, grabbing the pipe again.

They pulled away, panting and disheveled and sweating cold fever. Chloe's eyes were no longer a soft, nurturing blue, but a bright, fiery blue flame.

Rachel coughed, then chugged the pipe back down to her mouth. Before Chloe could get a word in, she pulled her into another kiss. This kiss somehow lasted longer than the previous one.

And so she kept doing it, once, twice, thrice, until they were both giggling, high messes.

"Baby, baby, baby." She cupped both of Chloe's cheeks, grinning maniacally as she met Chloe's calmer eyes. "What would happen if we give the joint to our kid?"

"No."

"Baby."

"N. O."

Before Rachel could do anything, Chloe was already snatching the pipe away. Rachel was reminded yet again that Chloe wasn't a lightweight like she was. Chloe and inhibition were close acquaintances. So much so that nothing could pass her out anymore.

It was both impressive and horrifying.

And also kind of hot, if she were being honest.

"I want, like, a baby."

Chloe, who had the baby sitting on her lap, touching her tattoo like they were magic, looked at her. She smiled in that gentle way that looked more wallflower-y than punk-y, not that she'd ever tell Chloe that.

"This is a baby, right here." She booped the baby's noise. The baby snorted and clawed at Chloe's hand. Rachel chuckled at the display and gave a snort of her own when Chloe booped her nose. "And I'm your baby, aren't I?"

"Like, a real baby." Rachel grabbed Chloe's hand, putting it on her chin. "Our baby."

Chloe leaned back but didn't pull away. She stared at Rachel. The sound of the baby giggling broke her stare.

Looking down, she found that the baby was trying to push Chloe off of the sofa with her tiny hands

Chloe actually giggled. Her one hand caressed Rachel's cheek. The other ruffled the baby's head.

"You know what? Fuck it. I'd like that too."

Rachel felt a sense of lightness, like she could take on the world. She knew it wasn't from the weed. "Really?"

"... Just not right now because I'm, like, jobless and shit."

Eh.

She could take that.


End file.
